Okay everyone, I'm going to give you a life lesson for free. Let's say you are an aspiring performer. Your school has an active theatre program and you have spent a few years in it. You hope and dream that one day, you'll get the lead (this could be changed, incidentally to be about something else, like starting on the varsity team in a sport, etc.)

Let me give you some advice on this.

If you are flaky and unreliable when you have a small role in the chorus, your director will pr0bably not trust you with a lead. If you goof off and miss rehearsal frequently (unless you are excused) then the director will probably not seriously consider you for a larger role.

Parents: if you grumble about casting choices (don't kid yourself--this stuff always gets back to the director) and if you are half-hearted in filling your obligation to sell tickets or help with props or paint the set or whatever, then you are shooting your child's future chances in the foot. 
If you are glib about your child missing rehearsals because of your lack of organization or planning, if you don't live up to the commitment that came with your child being part of the play, then you are sending the director a powerful message that you cannot be trusted.
Sadly, that means your child can't be trusted since your child is dependent on you for rides and logistical support.

If I can't trust you with little things, I will not trust you with big things. Far too many people work too hard on a play to take a chance on someone I can't fully trust. 

You don't get the lead and then develop responsibility. You act responsibly with small things, earn trust, and then (assuming you also have talent) you get the lead. So many people want to do this in reverse. But life doesn't work like that. 

I would add that while I'm talking about the context of theatre, this applies to many other things in life--sports teams, jobs, and so on. If you can't be trusted with little things no one will give you greater responsibilities. 

This seems so obvious, and yet I am always astonished at the number of people who don't understand--and act--on this principle. I get that adolescents might not realize how this works, but I am surprised more parents don't get it. 

Every year I'm shocked by the people who are shocked that they (or their children) didn't get big roles. Sometimes they haven't prepared adequately or worked to refine and stretch and develop their talents to the point that they could be seriously considered. Other times, perhaps most often, someone is talented but has goofed off a lot. Or a parent has been scattered, unsupportive, and not very good at making sure their child was where they needed to be. 

Believe me, future stars, this makes a big, big difference. Trust me on this. I begin looking at potential lead material years and years in advance, watching carefully to see who has talent, but who has a good work ethic, who can focus. Who cares enough to try. And which parents will support them. I know other directors are the same in this regard, and I that that coaches are, too.

So, there it is! Free advice that will change your life. You are welcome.


 

I have been toying with the idea of starting a new feature here. Lots of people I know have clever, alliterative features on their blogs: Wordless Wednesdays and Festive Fridays and Thankful Thursdays and the like. I am not a) that clever or b) that creative. Plus, a lot of my friends who do this have something valuable to share, like my friend Elisa's amazing photos on Wordless Wednesdays, or author Annette Lyon's peerless grammar advice on Word Nerd Wednesdays. But see, Elisa and Annette have actual skills.

I don't want to give writing advice because lots of people do that and also, I feel like it's a craft I'm trying to master still, so who am I to tell everyone else what to do?

So, I've been thinking about my niche. I am the proverbial Jack of all Trades--I dabble in lots, but there's nothing I really stand out in (I'm being honest, not self-deprecating). Except one. 
I totally get middle school kids. I really do. And I'm a pretty good teacher, if I do say so myself. 

Since middle school is a place most of us remember about as fondly as gettting our wisdom teeth, there's not a lot known about it, and not a lot of people talk about it. 

So, I am going to be that person. Henceforth (or until I get bored) I am starting Middle School Mondays here on bradenbell.com. On MSMs I will blog about the curious creatures we call middle school students, providing thoughtful commentary, pithy anecdotes, and deeply helpful advice for troubled parents based on my 25 years (!!!!!!) working with this age group. At least that's my intent. 

Feel free to write in with your middle school questions. If you are a parent, maybe I can help you translate the strange grunts and squawks of your hitherto loveable child's bizarre new actions. I can help you understand the trajectory of your child's development and, if nothing else, help you have faith that one day, your child will return, a wonderfully mature and delightful, stable young man or woman.  If you are a middle school student, maybe I can help you see why your parents act the way they do. In other words, I can be your translator. All identities will be kept strictly confidential. You can send me a line here or just email braden at bradenbell.com

For today, I wanted to talk to parents about the value of silliness. 

Saturday our school had a big birthday bash. It was quite a day, complete with all sorts of festivities. One of the activities was face-painting. I didn't want my face painted. It's itchy and looks silly on men of my age and standing. But as I walked past the booth, some students asked me to let them paint my face. I have learned in these situations to agree to it. So, I sat down and had all kinds of glittery things painted on my face. I also had washable tattoos applied and a cat nose and whiskers.

This was not what I wanted. However, it amused the kids and it did me no harm. It bought me just a bit of credibility with those students and affirmed that I care about them. Next time I need to discipline one of them, it will be in the context of having a small bond. This is important if you are a youth leader or teacher or anyone in authority. 

Middle school kids LOVE to do stuff like this. It usually involves making you look silly. It will rarely be what you want to do. Do it anyway. Swallow your pride and just give in. Be a little silly. The more dignified and up-tight you are, the more value this kind of thing has.

One caution: this has to be kid-initiated. If I had run up and said, "Hey guys, paint my face!" they would have thought it was lame. You can't impose or initiate this. But be ready, when your child suggests some silliness or other to go with it. It pays off later, big-time. Also realize that what a student will suggest with a teacher or coach, he or she may be mortified if a parent does it. So be sensitive to that. 

Okay, and that's a wrap! Thanks for coming and tune in next time for another exciting installment of MIDDLE SCHOOL MONDAY!!!!!

The other day, the principal at my school sent me this article. It broke my heart. It's about a girl who took a nude picture of herself and texted it to her boyfriend. From there it got into the hands of her former best-friend who made it go viral. The boyfriend and former best friend were arraigned on child pornography charges. The poor girl who took the picture lived through hell and basically had her life destroyed. If you have a teen or are a teen, you need to read this article. This story has haunted me because it seems so preventable. 

You see, the child in question came from a broken home and was used to having all the time she wanted alone with her electronics. At no point in this article--until after the tragedy--does it seem to have occurred to any parent to monitor their child's texts, to ask questions, or simply to be present. 

This article notes something that mature adults should already know--and tell the children (including teens) under their care: sex, and anything related to it, is not something to be taken lightly. It is a fire--warming, life-giving and wonderful. But it can also burn and leave a young life in emotional ashes. I'm not even talking about right and wrong or religious concepts of sin--just mental health and social well-being.

When I was a teen, we did stupid things, too. But we didn't have the internet to make permanent our every gaffe or goof. And, we also had a variety of social barriers to protect us from doing things that were stupid to a potentially life-altering degree. I think of the cultural norms of my day like guard rails.

These guard rails protected us from unwittingly ruining our lives. Yes, you could break through the rails if you wanted to, but you had to try. It was hard to do accidentally. There was a culture that would have discouraged us from doing this kind of thing even if we'd had the technology. Parents, teachers, schools, and the larger culture in general.

These guard rails were community standards, traditional values, parents who were parents, not buddies and who didn't mind making us mad and weren't afraid to butt in where they were not wanted (but were very needed). 

I suppose you could look at my upbringing and say it was restrictive and that it inhibited my wilder inclinations. To that I say, "Yep. It was. Thank heaven." Now that I'm almost 40, I regret nothing about my strict upbringing. In fact, I'm grateful for it. 
 
The culture we live in today is nearly opposite. It encourages kids to do stuff like this. They are bombarded with sexual images and content everywhere. Media, including that aimed at teens, gives them the idea that this sort of thing is edgy and exciting and fun. And we're surprised when they act on all they absorb?

We have collectively pushed the age of sexual awareness to such an early age that they are initiated before they are mature enough to handle it. Here's exhibit A. Abercrombie and Fitch has been catching well-deserved flack for marketing push-up, padded bikini tops to children--like second graders.

This article from the Wall Street Journal is by a mother of daughters in which she laments the current proclivity of parents to allow and encourage their daughters dress provocatively. She makes a good point I agree with: I don't think many people, upon maturity think, "Boy, you know what would have made my childhood better? I should have started having sex sooner." 

In spite of this, though, we're creating a culture where children are going to naturally see themselves as sexual beings very early. They'll experiment and then reap the consequences. It's hard to stop the train once they are on it. 

Culturally, in terms of sex, we've lowered the driving age, increased the speed limit, given everyone cars, and then taken away the guard rails.

This is tragic because kids, like the kids in that article, do something stupid--and it ends up being a permanent scar.

As a teacher, I'm around kids all day. I hear them talk, I see what they write on Facebook. I'm not naive. I know teens think about sex and many of them think they want it. Well, they want to skip school, too. They don't want to do their homework or eat their broccoli. But we, their teachers and parents push back on those things.

We can't control adolescents and make every decision for them. At the same time, our job as adults is not to facilitate the every whim and wish and desire of kids. The fact they want something does not make it good or wise or healthy.